No, dad.
No, dad, you Don't understand--
That's not it at all.
I actually enjoy Playing bingo.
I just don't Wanna schedule bingo.
I don't wanna see The word "bingo"
In my date book On saturday.
"Saturday night-- Bingo."
You know What i'm saying ?
Not yet.
Ben ?
Yeah.
Don't get froot loops On my bed, please.
Sorry.
I would like you Do me a favor--
Bring grandpa to The urologist today.
Would you do That for me ?
To the-- To the what ?
To the urologist.
The urologist ?
The urologist.
Would you do That for me ?
Come on, dad.
You can't just spring This kind of thing on me
At the last minute.
You know, i have a life, And i've got things to do today.
Well, ben, that's why They invented the vcr.
Oh, that's very funny.
No, what do you Have to do today ?
Well, um... I have to, uh, Return some calls.
Mm-hm.
I have to get my resume Into shipshape.
You can Take my car.
I have to, uh, bring Grandpa to the urologist.
Thanks, ben.
I appreciate it, Believe me.
I don't have to go In there with him, do i ?
No, but remind him to put His pants back on.
Right, 'cause last time-- Is there a problem ?
They have to do A cleaning process.
Let me explain to You what's involved.
They put a tube--
Yeah, but !
Uh, i don't remember.
Did i show you the latest Picture of my twins ?
You tried.
Uh, yeah, yeah, I forgot.
You're not into kids.
Sorry.
It's okay.
( Phone ringing )
Dr. Katz's office.
Yes, he is.
It's your wife.
Wife ?
Can i take this One here ?
Mm-hm.
Hi, honey.
Yeah, all right.
Go ahead.
Four cans chunky In spring water ?
( Phone ringing )
Large box Honey nut cheerios,
Push that, number two, Right there.
Say "dr. Katz's office."
Number two, Right there.
Dr. Katz's office.
No, no, this Isn't the doctor.
I'm, uh-- well, I'm a patient.
You too ?
Yeah, that's nice.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, well, it sounds like You're doing great, yeah.
Look, do you want to Leave a message or something ?
Can you hold on a second ?
Sorry, honey.
Okay, variety Pack of cereal.
Uh-huh, Maple syrup.
I'm sorry, i'm sorry.
Look, i thought there Was a whole other thing
In the thing there.
All right, no, You're right.
You're right, I didn't check.
Look, i'm sorry.
Dozen cran-apple Juice boxes.
( Phone ringing )
Hold on.
Dr. Katz's office.
No, i didn't Abandon you.
I didn't, i put you On hold for a second.
Take it easy.
Look, look, pal, i'm sorry If i hurt you, all right ?
Mr. Romano ?
Hello ?
Mr. Romano, the doctor Will see you now.
Thank god.
My three year old-- I'll tell you what,
That's the way To be though, doc.
Sure.
That's A wonderful age.
I always thought if I could go back in time,
I'd wanna Be a teenager,
But you don't get Happier than three.
I watch my daughter-- It's incredible.
The other day, she's Staring out the car window
For 15 minutes, With a smile on her face.
Just smile, Nonstop smile.
I couldn't get over it.
Finally i just turned To her and i say,
"Alexandria, what are You thinking of ?"
"Candy."
Candy, candy.
When's the last time you Could daydream about candy ?
You ever have That nice a day ?
Whenever you have A free moment,
Can you fill it With candy ?
No, you can't, 'Cause you're an adult.
There's too many other Things now.
"Oh, who am i, Why am i here.
Am i gay ?
What's That lump ?"
There's no Room for candy.
Well, you're An adult now, ray.
You have responsibilities, You know.
You have lumps, I assume.
You want one Of those ?
I have to go to canada Next week to work.
Have you been To montreal, doc ?
Yeah.
The french people, They kind of annoy me.
Not that they're annoying--
They just won't speak English to you.
Right.
They're all bilingual
And they have an attitude With the english.
You know What amazed me ?
I went into a burger king In montreal--
The burger king employees Are required to be bilingual.
Just think about That, doc.
I don't know if you've been to Burger king here in our country.
They're not even Lingual over here.
You have To draw your food.
I want a hamburger.
Hamburger.
I don't want a pie, Put the pie down.
I see the pie.
I want a hamburger To go.
I'm gonna go.
Here, i'll draw little Feet on my hamburger.
See ?
It's self-explanatory.
( Woman ) You know what i think your Problem is, jonathan ?
You spend too much Time with unhappy people.
It's starting to rub off.
So you think i should Just treat the cheerful ?
You know What i'm saying.
That would be, julie, Like me telling you
You're spending too much time With thirsty types.
No, listen.
That's just The way it works.
That's what i do.
I see people Who are unhappy.
That's how i make My living.
Can somebody see you even if They're not, like, depressed--
Borderline ?
Yeah.
That happens All the time.
People come in--
People aren't always depressed When they arrive.
Like, they might Need to talk about
A particular problem That they're having ?
Yeah, there are people who Come in with a specific problem.
I think i'm overqualified, In a certain way,
To treat those people.
I think very often what they Need is like a smart aunt.
Well, a friend of mine Told me something,
And i think She would really--
It would help her a lot if She had somebody to talk to.
Well, you know what ?
Let me give you My number at work,
And maybe she can call me.
You know, if she wants To talk about it.
Well, that's A good idea.
Okay, here.
It's on the back Of my card.
Well, this is nice.
Tell her--
This is A cute card !
Tell her to mention When she calls
That she's A friend of yours.
Who's this little Person in here ?
What do you mean, The cartoon ?
Yeah.
That's supposed To be me.
Oh, yeah !
You don't think-- It doesn't look like me ?
Well, what's in Your hand ?
That's a pencil In my hand.
Oh, yeah.
What'd you Think it was ?
I don't know.
Just sorta-- That looks like a pencil.
That looks Like a pencil.
I'm feeling very feminine Right now, dr. Katz,
'Cause i got My period today.
Mmm.
And most of my friends Got it when they were 13,
So i guess I'm a little immature.
This germ Phobia of yours--
Where do you think That comes from ?
My mother.
She's so neurotic.
She puts down toilet paper On the seat
Even at our Relatives' house.
At the dinner table.
And if that's Not crazy,
I don't know where else I got it from.
No, no, That's crazy.
( Humming )
Hey, are you Going up ?
Yeah, i thought I would,
Since we're on The ground floor.
Oh, right, right.
Aren't you Getting out ?
No, no, I'll stay in.
I'll ride up With you.
How about that ?
I'm in no hurry.
I got really Nothing planned.
Hey, you remember me, Don't you ?
Yes, yes, i do.
Yeah, i'm Ben katz, dr.--
I said i remembered.
Right, dr. Katz's Son, ben katz.
I said i remembered.
That's who i am.
( Sighing )
You look well.
You have, like, A peachy look to you.
Peachy ?
Yeah, you've got a good Shimmer off your skin,
Like a shine, You're all shiny.
I went to the zoo The other day.
And i love The monkeys.
Aren't they so cute ?
And the little Giraffes.
They're so cute.
And my least favorite Are the, you know,
With the little heads--
Um, the kids.
Ah.
Those-- they're always Screaming and crapping.
Mmm.
Kids are cute
If they belong to your sister And you can leave,
But sometimes I take her to disneyland,
And i don't like it there at All, because i don't like mice.
Okay.
This is some Elevator, huh ?
This is the slowest elevator I've ever ridden on.
Yeah, don't you Find, though, that--
Are we stopped ?
Hey, just think--
Someday this elevator Will be mine.
I'll own it.
Wow.
I'll rent it-- I won't own it.
I'll lease it.
With an option To buy it.
It'll be my elevator, Sort of.
Hey, have you Had lunch ?
Uh, no.
Neither have i !
Are you thinking What i'm thinking ?
Why is it so hard to Not hear you ?
Wow, that is not what I was expecting to hear.
So you don't--
You wouldn't Wanna have lunch ?
Is that what You're saying ?
I mean because i--
I'm in my own Private hell.
Am i echoing To you ?
I am in my own Private hell.
You're not here.
* Hmmmmm...
You know, i get the feeling We're not connecting.
I hate dating.
I am never myself On a date.
I never eat As much as i want,
And i have to speak in That british accent.
Maybe i'm old fashioned, Dr. Katz,
But i like it When a man pays
Mm-hm.
For sex. Oh.
But i've been getting Much more spiritual lately.
I read the bible.
That guy Can write !
No, mrs. Liebman, And even if the doctor knew
What wendy wanted for Her birthday,
He wouldn't Be able to tell you.
It's called patient Confidentiality.
Well, it's the law.
I'm sorry.
All right, bye-bye.
( Phone ringing )
Dr. Katz's office.
I'm still fine, Mrs. Liebman.
Mrs. Liebman, i told you--
The doctor does not sell Gift certificates.
I don't know what's Wrong with me, stan.
I seem to be stuck In this middle-aged,
"This is my life, Get used to it" rut,
And i don't like it.
I don't like The way it sounds.
Yeah, look-- Katz, katz, listen--
Yeah ?
We both know What you need.
Which is ? Which is ?
Which is a little Zoom-woo !
Oh, you're talking about Some nyeck-nyeck-nyeck ?
No, no, no, I mean some serious zavoov !
Oggidy-oggidy-oggidy.
Hey, but, look, even if I wanted some zavoov,
Oggidy-oggidy-oggidy,
Where would I find any ?
You know what I'm saying, in my life ?
I don't know, I don't know.
Think about it.
But, uh-- You must meet
A lot of desperate Women, right ?
Stanley, you know i'm not Allowed to fool around
With my patients.
You know, I took an oath.
An oaf ?
Not an oaf, I took an oath.
An oath ?
Oath.
See, that was Your big mistake.
You should never Take an oaf.
Well, it doesn't seem To be a problem for you.
Of course not.
I mean, women just, you know, They gravitate towards me.
I mean, I don't understand.
I think i have a certain Kind of magnetism.
So you think my problem with Women might just be electrical ?
Yes.
Yes, that's Possible.
I mean, i've Done what i can.
I mean, i've-- Remember last year ?
I invited you to The office party.
Please, let's not--
You had, like, 10, 15 women
That you could Have chosen from.
Yeah, but, stanley,
If you introduce Me to them
As "the loneliest guy In the universe"--
I'm trying To help you.
Well, give me Some advice.
Something i can Use, you know.
Even a line.
You know, that thing You gave me last year,
"Do i seem feverish ?" Works, but--
You know What it is ?
Shoes.
You need to upgrade Your shoes.
What are you Talking about ?
It's the first Thing women look at.
They look at The shoes ?
Yeah.
But flats is the right Move, isn't it ?
Yeah, yeah, you don't Wanna wear heels,
But you want Something cool.
Women like--
In addition to shoes, They like smiles.
They feel less Threatened by a smile,
Even though a smile is An act of aggression
In and of itself, Which i'm sure you know.
Yeah.
But they like-- If you smile at them,
Just a nice, Warm smile.
I wish-- you know I don't smile easily.
'Cause i'm self conscious About my teeth.
You know what works ?
Just a drop of vinegar on The roof of your mouth
Will give you a nice Big smile for about two,
Three seconds.
Is that right ?
But won't they see you Applying the vinegar ?
Turn around.
You turn around And-- wow !
It's a big smile.
Look, my point is that When i was a kid, we were poor.
Very poor, but my parents Never let on.
My mother used To make a dish for dinner--
Dad, you know How many times--
That consisted of one Piece of american cheese,
Two peas for the eyes, a cherry Tomato for the nose,
And a piece of Celery for the mouth.
Mm-hm.
You know what She called that ?
As a matter of fact, I do, dad.
She called it "clown" Ben, and we loved it.
Clown.
We looked Forward to it.
Mm-hm.
Dad ?
Yes, i'm sorry, What ?
Can i ask you A question, quickly ?
Yes.
Why do these Pep talks
Always have to be So depressing ?
I don't know.
I guess it's My training.
Your training.
Well, this is what I'm hearing you say:
It seems like you Have a hard time
Maintaining relationships With men.
Well, just My last boyfriend.
We were incompatible, To say the least.
I mean, i'm A night person...
And he didn't like me.
Hmm.
And he was married.
I don't know if i should Mention that.
I was married, A long time ago.
I was too young when I got married.
I got married Right after college.
It was terribly messy, The divorce.
It was so messy, because There was a baby involved...
Him.
Do you think that you Deliberately sabotage
Your relationships ?
I don't know.
I just wanna meet A sensitive guy.
You know, A man who will cry
When i hit him.
No, i would Never hit a man
If he were sober.
Can you validate My parking stub ?
Your what ?
Well, the valet guy Said you'd validate.
The valet guy ?
We don't Have a valet.
This is a Laundry ticket.
What are you saying ?
I'm saying this Is a laundry ticket.
I'm saying that you seem To have given someone your car
For a laundry ticket.
I don't see The humor in that.
Well, it's Very subtle.
Should i talk about My neurosis, now ?
Nothing would make Me happier, ray.
You're faking it.
No, i mean it.
I would like to Get into that area.
That's what this Is all about.
The big thing is I can't watch the game anymore.
The holidays--
Yeah ?
The holidays are the hardest Time for me and sports.
I don't like that they put Football on on thanksgiving,
Because it just starts Fights in my family.
The men wanna watch The game, the women don't.
You know what they do ?
They compromise, The women.
They put the tv on Without the volume.
Which never works, 'Cause then you have to pretend
Like you're paying attention To your family.
Ah, grandma, could you Pass me the gravy, please--
Pass it ! I'm open !
Get rid of it ! Pass the gravy !
Oh !
You suck.
I'm not Gonna shut up.
We shoulda got rid of her Last year.
Look at her ! She's a loser.
Can't watch a game.
Oh, ray, ray, ray.
What am i gonna do With you, laddie boy ?
Fix me.
Oh, man.
Hey, dad, will you pass The snack things ?
Oh, yeah, the--
What are they called, Pretzel bits ?
Pretzelkins, Pretzelkins.
Who makes These things ?
Aren't they good, Though ?
They're filled With the cheesy thing.
Hey, uh, dad--
Yeah ?
Are you sticking Around here tonight ?
Well, i thought, you know, I rented a movie.
I thought maybe We could--
Yeah, well, actually, I rented a movie too, so--
Yeah ? Yeah.
Well, we can Watch 'em both.
You know, why don't i just Let it get cozy here.
Should i get That comforter in the--
No, no, no.
Oh, come on, ben.
When was the last time You and i just--
Were under a comforter ?
I don't think cozy Is a good thing for us--
Come here, snuggle up with Your dad for one minute here.
Dad, stop talking Like this.
Who's your Snugglebunny ?
That's-- Huh ?
You're making me Uncomfortable.
I mean, this isn't-- This is, like--
I thought you Were maybe--
You should go out.
You should Actually go--
What are You saying, ben ?
I'm saying i can't see you Anymore, dad, like this.
I can't--
What, are you just gonna Drop it on me like that ?
Well, i feel That honesty
Is the best policy here, Because--
You met someone else, Didn't you ?
Well, i met--
I actually was Thinking of having
A friend over, Maybe, tonight,
That's okay.
And i rented A couple of movies--
And they're probably movies That you wouldn't like,
And, uh, so I was thinking that--
No, That's all right.
I have a little work To do anyway.
Really ?
Yeah.
I don't mean to be-- I mean, this is your house.
Don't worry About it.
No, ben, you do What you, uh--
You and your friends Watch movies and enjoy.
Well, thanks.
You know, i just Feel bad, because--
You seem to--
I think that you spend A lot of time here with me,
Mm-hm.
And that you should maybe go Meet some people your age,
Go out And have fun.
Okay, let me see.
Does this mean that we're Not going dancing tomorrow ?
( Laughing wearily )
You know what frightens me now, Actually, doc ?
Is i'm forgetting things.
Forgetting things That aren't normal.
Forgot my own phone number.
I forgot-- i was trying To tell this guy my number,
And all i could remember was The first three numbers,
And then you try to give Your brain a running start.
You know, like, "hold on A second-- 457-- augh !"
Yeah.
I could see the four, The five, and the seven,
And then the rest of the numbers Were, like, taunting me,
And ring around the rosy,
And other Numbers went flashing by.
My old high school Gym locker.
And then i had This memory lapse--
This one really scared me.
You're in your shower, And you're daydreaming.
I'm daydreaming,
And then i can't Remember if i shampooed my hair.
I had to backtrack in My own shower.
"What did i do ?
Let's see, all right, I got in the shower,
I sang 'piano man'-- I always sing 'piano man'.
And then what ?"
You know what I do now, doc,
Is i actually bring A checklist into my shower.
I just check it off As i go along.
All right, i did that, All right, i'll do that next.
All right, i'll-- oh, not gonna Have time for that.
( Chuckling )
I don't think i have Enough soap.
I think you know what I'm talking about, don't you ?
Every man-- every man knows What happens in a shower.
Oh.
Not ashamed of it.
We were given the gift, And we use it.
And i know why We do that more than women.
It's obvious--
I think god gave man the ability To create these fantasies.
It's not our fault.
It's entrapment From god.
I know women can Fantasize, but, oh,
They have no idea what Men are capable of.
We have a cast Of thousands in there.
There's too many.
There's people in there you Don't even want half the time.
Mom !
Security !
My mother got in, Who let my mother in ?
Who let my fat mother here ?
Oh, that'll-- that sends me Right to therapy,
When my mother makes a cameo.
Ray, you Let her in.
It's your fantasy.
It's my mother's Fault.
* She's, um...
Whoops, you know What the music means.
Our time is up.
Augh.
( Chairs squeaking )
( Clearing throat )
( Feedback )
I... 10.
( Feedback )
( Coughing )
G...
13.
G... 13.
( Coughing )
( Chair squeaking )
N... 5.
N...
( Feedback )
5.